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#3469 - Thursday, March 12,
2009 - Editor: Jerry Katz
The Nonduality Highlights - http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NDhighlights
Author, teacher, Ray Morose, tells the Nonduality Highlights about his recent experience dying. Ray, we're glad you're okay! Thank you for the teachings.
My Missing 5 Minutes
(The following incident may be of value
in understanding existence)
- How it began -
On 18 November, I went to the Lismore Base
hospital for a popliteal aneurysm bypass in my left leg. I never
made it to the operating theatre because the anesthetist that was
giving me a lumber/spinal block killed me.
- Hospital discharge referral read as follows -
Unfortunately, Raymond’s operation
could not be performed as pre-operatively, bupivacaine was
accidentally injected intravasularly, resulting in an asystolic
arrest. He was resuscitated in 5 minutes.
- What happened was -
Normally lumber/spinal blocks do not take
much time. After the two injections, one simply waits until the
numbness sets in to be moved into the operating theatre. I was
lying on my side with the anesthetist at my back administering
the injections and a male nurse was facing me on the other side.
As I was watching the male nurse, he suddenly disappeared. I went
from seeing him standing in front of me to what can best be
described as being in an ‘awareness disconnect bubble’.
That transition occurred instantaneously.
One second I was looking at the male nurse and the next second I
was in this, ‘awareness disconnect bubble’. Firstly, I
refer to it as a bubble, because it felt contained or restricted.
Hence, the feeling of being in a bubble, but of course there was
no bubble, just containment, as I could not move beyond it. My
first thought was ‘shit, I’m dead’. Then I noticed
the background, or what I was submerged within. The environment
was of a blue/grey color and appeared to be perforated with an
endless number of very small and dim or subdued sparkles:
difficult to describe. Because consciousness is what I write
about, my second thought was ‘can I see myself’, and of
course, I could not. The thought made me aware of the absolute
purity/clarity of that awareness. This is also difficult to
describe, as it was the normal awareness one uses in daily life,
but a more clearly defined and concentrated version of
that normal awareness: experienced as being personally absolute.
Meaning, it is what it is, and nothing can alter or change what
it is. Naturally, I could not see myself, as my ‘self’
(awareness/consciousness) was what was seeing. Simultaneously,
with that thought, I recognized that I could know; meaning that
somehow, I was still connected to the mind as I could think and
thinking is a biological function of the brain. Therefore, I knew
I was somehow still ‘alive’, but could not do anything
with that ‘aliveness’ as I was technically dead and was
experiencing nothing outside my ‘awareness bubble’.
At this juncture, I notice a single row of
lights, with each light being similar to the illumination that a
small torch (flashlight) would produce. It began as one single
light then a black space, then two lights clumped together, and
then another black space, then three light clumped together and
another black space. And on and on it went. I became entranced by
the sequential numbering of these ‘clumped lights’ and
began to follow the sequence until I got to around number 15 and
then something compelled me to look back to the beginning of this
row of lights. Upon turning my vision back to the beginning, I
noticed a pair of translucent crossed hands moving up and down
over the first of these sets of lights. I thought, ‘they are
using CPR to revive me’. But then I noticed how dim the
those first few sets of lights appeared as compared to the sets
of lights from the 15th set onwards appeared, and I
thought, ‘no, he won’t make it’ as the
illumination was not very powerful as compared to the increasing
illumination as the sets of lights increased. However, for some
reason I was also drawn back to the beginning of those sets of
lights. When I arrived at around number 5, I was absolutely
certain that whoever was doing the CPR would not succeed as the
closer I got to the first set, with the pair of translucent
crossed hands over it, the greater the dimness density increased,
creating the feeling the other direction that contained more
light was a better option. But, I was still inexplicably drawn
toward the first set with the moving translucent hands. Then just
as I arrived at the first light, my (biological) eyes opened and
became aware that I was back in the body. The first thing I did,
with great effort as it felt like lead, was lift my right hand
and point to a tube sticking out of my mouth. I could not talk,
or did not have the energy to talk, but I really wanted that tube
out of my mouth so I could breathe. My next awareness is of
waking up in intensive care unit.
- Upon reflection -
This entire episode took 5 minutes, in
which time CPR was continually applied, creating a ‘slow’
pulse that both kept me alive and I assume move around whatever
injected pharmacological agents were used to neutralize the
effects of the block that shut the heart down. Later, I began to
ponder what these sequential lights meant. First, the increased
illumination moving outward was greater because the number of
lights were greater, making the ‘area’ around the first
sets of lights appear to be dimmer. Meaning, just because the
lights were greater, moving outward, does not imply ‘moving
to a greater light’ as that increased illumination may
impart. Secondly, the pair of moving up/down ‘translucent
crossed hands’ at the beginning of the series of lights is a
clue to understand what those lights mean: they where the number
of compressions taking place. With each compression, a light was
added to indicate its number, creating a row or series of lights.
Meaning, the mind was still receiving information from the body,
but that information could not be translated into understanding,
because the knower of consciousness was ‘disconnected’
from the body. Therefore, the knower could not know what
was occurring to the body. However, consciousness could receive
information through its observer, as the observer
is the visual aspect of consciousness. That is what occurred, as
I witnessed the background, the lights, and the ‘translucent
hands’, which is the mind visually demonstrating what it
cannot explain in any other way as its knower is not
present to understand those occurrences as it was locked with its
‘awareness disconnect bubble’.
- What is the meaning of this ‘awareness disconnect’?-
1- The observer-knower forms the two
self-referencing aspects of consciousness (awareness) that
provide the foundation for your existence, but it is the
biological mind that provides all the information to make it
work. This ‘little’ episode in my life has confirmed
those self-referencing aspects. For all the pain (broken and
cracked ribs from the CPR) and suffering it has caused it also
experientially confirmed what could only be confirmed following
the death of the body. I was technically dead for 5 minutes and
those minutes were sufficient to experience the separated
absoluteness of consciousness, confirming its
indestructibility. How you appreciate or understand the
terminology of ‘absoluteness’ may be different from how
I experience that term. However, when the human body dies, the
terminology of ‘absoluteness’ will be held in common,
confirming our non-biological heritage and our commonality.
2- The ‘bubble’ that I was
confined within felt contained. There was no form (body), just
pure awareness as observer-knower of consciousness. The
disconnected aspect of that containment is one of the more
difficult aspects of this experience to define. Its ‘bubble’
felt as a temporary position, sort of holding pattern, waiting to
see what would happen: to stay or move on. However, what it did
expose was, when consciousness is disconnected from the body,
everything in the world, and I mean everything, simply evaporates
as if it never existed. There is simply no memory-connection to
an earthly existence. When consciousness is disconnected from the
body, apparently, all of its earthly connection memory
goes. As alarming as that may appear, it is also liberating, as
consciousness does appear to subliminally have access to
information that ‘exposes what it is’, which allows one
to be aware that one is indeed aware, which is experiencing subliminal
self-awareness. That disconnected ‘bubble’ was
experienced as knowing and seeing (observation) as
pure awareness, or awareness of that awareness, but it was also
free or liberated from all earthly connections (memory) making it
exceedingly peaceful. However, as it was ‘somewhere
in-between here and there’ it was also totally isolated or
alone: there were no other entities and no noticeable environment
other than the blue-gray background and the series of lights.
3- Attempting to describe the clarity
of that isolated and/or disconnected subliminal self-awareness
‘bubble’ is also trying, as there is no earthly
experience to compare it with. The clarity contains an unfettered
expansive-freedom that defies comparative description. That
internal vision of oneself (subliminal self-awareness)
reveals a sense of absolute purity (‘stainless’
transparency), which is the core or essence of existence.
Meaning, that is what we fundamentally all are. The mind is what
adds spirit-value to the core-essence or detracts from it, which
is a free will decision bringing individual consciousness into
permanence or making it a short-term acquisition.
4- Experienced in isolation, that
awareness ‘bubble’ was a little concerning and thought
I would sit down have a think about it. However, the moment I had
that thought, I realized I could not sit down, as there was
nothing to sit down with and nothing to sit upon. The situation
became quite humorous and the concern dissipated It was at this
time that I was beginning to be drawn back to the first of those
‘lights’, which eventually brought me back to
experiencing my body and where that body was located. It was an
interesting experience that confirmed some of the aspects that I
write about: not all, but most of them. The rest may have to wait
until the disconnection is permanent. Until then my ‘missing
5 minutes’ will have to suffice.
* * *
___________________________________________
Ocean View Publications
Ray Morose
NSW 2483