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Highlights #875

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Thursday, November 1


JERRY

I look around me

And wonder

Why

Everyone

Isn't in the forest meditating.

JAN BARENDRECHT

That depends on the location of the forest... Here,
only friendly, harmless animals, no poisonous
plants either but the beer has to be brought along.
When the mind is empty though, meditation is but
that word..

LARRY

This mind is the self foresting meditation. No need
to bother the real forest.

________________________________________________________________________

JB789

Where is the border-line between compassionate
acceptance and voluntarily exposing oneself to
psychic abuse, to the point of psycho- somatic
dis-ease, in the name of compassion ?

I am reffering to man-woman relationship. She is
chaotic in her vebal communication; she does not
listen; she says one thing does another; she does
not show much respect/noticing of the other,
apparently due to her impulsive grasping at what
she wants, which makes her unconscious to the fact,
that she is not the only one in the universe.. no
consideration for/presence to the other or the
situation; after every blunder she says 'I will not
do it again.. forget it and give us another
chance'.. -and he does so,.. he resorts to
understanding her mechanical limmitations..hundreds
of times.. again and again. Though she has good
intentions ("I'll try ..") he starts to feel like
he is banging his head against a wall.. he feels
that there is 'nobody home' to talk to. He is not
heard. Finally he starts to get symptoms of
psycho-somatic damage (head-shakes/tics, etc.).
Example: he says "Please, do not open the door to
my room when closed.. as that means that either I
sit and 'meditate', or sleep or need some
privacy".. during the last 5 years about 100-150
times. But she does it.. 100-150 times .. and then
says 'sorry' 100-150 times. Last time, she
explained that the reason she did it, was because
she felt "spontaneusly curious to see" what I am
doing.. (quite a selection of innocent words..!?).
She also 'gives' much.. what and how and when,_she_
thinks it is best for me, in spite of my saying
that I do not need/want it. Practical simple
aggreements, she 'forgets'. If I ask whether we
should buy a melon, she starts to talk about buying
lemons!.. and this is not only figuratively
speaking, but it did actually happen. Since he does
have love for her, he kept on by accepting and
being compassionate of her, though
non-intentional.. but forceful intrusions/pushing
and pulling, seeing her as being a slave to them.
She seems to be so self-absorbed in her private and
romantic/sentimental universe, that there is not
much room left for sensitivity to the other,.. for
seeing/perception of things-as-they- are.
Presence/sharing in being, is an impossibility for
her (though she disagrees.. as she does feel she
can be herself in my company) perhaps due to her
exclusive self-preoccupation and confusion.

I have pointed out to her these and other (what I
discern to be destructive to a healthy
relationship) hundreds of times. But it seems to be
a truism that, a partner cannot be the other's
'therapist'. So I have given up.

I will not burden the reader with more details
about the various modes of energy/life-drainage, so
I will return to my question .. There are those who
escape from a relationship at the slightest
discomfort or problem, and look for another, only
to find more of the same problems. And there are
those (perhaps like me) who do not believe in
escaping.. who keep at it,.. trying to understand..
on and on for years. And I wonder now, whether the
latter is not a form of utter philosophical idiocy
in the name of compassion... (?!)

The paradox of all this, is that apparently she is
very warm/sweet, giving, loving, caring .. but it
seems to me that a 'deeper level' all these are
expressions of grasping at happiness/security, via
a self-created wishful reality, which she
desperately tries to impose on the other, resulting
in a rather subtle manipulation. Perhaps, I have
allowed myself to be fooled.. for 5 years .. by
sweet superficialities and acted according to -her-
truths, instead of acting according to Seeing,..
whose 'voice' I did hear, but which, for various
reasons (?), I have overlooked and buried.

If asked 'well then, have you finally let go of her
?'.. I would say, yes, .. 98 %.. it is the 2 % that
causes the pain, and probably unwisely, makes me
wish that the relationship would be resumed.

I hope my mail, does not sound too much as a
trivial "Dear Abby.. tell me what to do !" letter,
but after quite many years of interest in
spirituality, I do not think any longer that it is
wise to overlook and not consider/enquire into, the
so-called 'ussual mortal stuff' and chase after a
Nirvanic state, instead.

GREG GOODE

Hey JB,

If you are truly wanting to continue this
relationship for 98% compassionate motives, then
the 98% will not look for results or payback from
your compassionate approach. So is it the 2% that
wants a change in her, that is asking this
question?

Your compassion might even be your spiritual
practice. But compassion can be exercised with
skill as well, and need not be practiced *only* in
a romantic relationship. You can be compassionate
in leaving the relationship, and in being open to
friendly, supportive, perhaps platonic relationship
as friends. Even if it is that you or she, or both,
find other romantic relationships.

So whether it's the 2% or the 98%, compassion never
dictates you stay in a romantic relationship merely
out of compassion. It allows space, and accepts all
things, even the eventuality that you might not be
able to leave....

______________________________________________________________________

SHANKAR (from the I Am list)

Long Live the Feet of the One (Sri Ramana) who
grants the Wisdom that 'I am' is not the body which
one loves. Long Live the Feet of the One (Sri
Ramana) who sings that one must throw even the
burden on Iswara (the Personal Lord)

Translation of Lines 7 and 8 of the Five Jewels (in
praise) of the Feet of Sri Ramana by Sri
Sivaprakasam Pillai.

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